nightmare

I keep feeling like I am living a nightmare. I see Ne-Ne’s picture and I think this is not my life. I am going to open my eyes or go home from work and she’s going to be there. I let my other two girls stay home from school on Thursday. We had been running lately and they were exhausted. My 6 year olds teacher sends home a note Friday stating that she hopes attendance isn’t going to be a problem this year like it was last year. Well I wrote her a note informing her that while school is important so is having a breather. When she has walked in my shoes then give me a call. My youngest daughter brings home stories she wrote in class about her family.

Her teacher does a student of the day everyday. When this happens all the kids write stuff about the student down and the teacher makes it into a book for the child to take home. Well Latavia’s book came home and the kids said stuff like she’s nice, friendly, pretty, etc. They also said that Latavia lives with her mom and two sisters. Sadly Latavia no longer lives with two sisters but just one. She must tell everyone about Ne-Ne in the present tense. I remember when I told her Ne-Ne had died and she wouldn’t be coming back because the part of her that makes her her went to heaven with God. She said Mommy will God let Ne-Ne come play with me sometimes? I had to tell her no. She cried and said whose going to play with me and sleep with me? She had been dealing with Ne-Ne being sick thinking and praying that she would get better so they could play, bathe and sleep together.

This teacher who doesn’t know us from a can of paint is going to send a nasty note about being absent!!! Watch your child’s body get bloated from meds, and no cure is available. Hear your baby apologize for needing assistance to eat, drink or use the bathroom. Answer her when she asks you why do bad things happen to her? Then tell me that getting to school everyday is your number 1 priority. Yes life goes on but sometimes we just need a minute to sit back, relax and smell the roses. I am angry that the earth is still rotating and my sweet girl is not here. How is it fair? How do I keep acting like everything is ok each day? Working, cooking, cleaning, going to school, worrying about the bills, and the car breaking down when there is such a hole inside of me. I am bleeding internally yet no one knows I’m hurt so bad!!!

Going to school, being kind to others, prayers, none of all the good stuff we did gave us our happy ending. There was no last minute cure. No one woke me up to tell me that it was just a bad dream. I’m waiting why someone won’t wake me up and tell me its okay it was just a bad dream?

I am angry that I didn’t get my kids to Disney or buy us a house before Ne-Ne left. Watching Lilo and Stich makes me cry because Ne-Ne always said “Ohana means family No One Gets Left Behind yet she’s going.”

My Ne-Ne her last year of school in 2006-2007 it snowed and school was opening late. Most of my friends and neighbors were keeping their kids home. I had told them to stay I didn’t have to work. Ne-Ne whined because she wanted to go to school well in the snow and all she trudged to the bus stop and waited 30 minutes for the bus because it was late till she finally turned back and came home. After I called the school she went back out to get on the bus. This was maybe 9 months before diagnosis. A year after this on February 29, 2008 she takes her last breath.

The funny thing is of all of us Latavia who lost her companion and play mate has not lost her faith in God. It hasn’t diminished one bit. She will lose something or hurt herself and she will say I prayed to God to make it better mommy. When we go shopping and I say no you cant have that she says mommy remember I prayed to God for a whole lot of money for you and when he gives it to you we can get a new house, a new car and you can buy me xyz. To have the faith and innocence of a child. I wouldn’t even pray if it wasn’t for her making sure I talk to God.